PostSecret

Picture is taken from PostSecret.

This is not the first time, my family members suffer from cancer, apparently a significant number of us succumbed to cancer. It’s like a family traits, it’s in our genes. Although I wish we would have something like marrying-the-Sultan-traits rather than this one.

According to emak, my aunt has been seeing some weird changes in her body for quite sometimes, it just that she delayed or refuse is more like to pay visits to the clinic. I truly understand why, probably she’s scared to know the truth. But I guess, it’s better to know sooner rather than later. By the time she went for check up, the cells cancer had spread and soon she can’t even be touched more than lightly by anyone. Excruciating, she said.

The last time I went to visit her was during the first raya. That time, she can still talk and eat on her own. Can still crack a joke or two.

But last Sunday things had changed. I can’t barely understand what she said and she could only consumed liquid, aided by straw. And she started to talk gibberish. Something that I fear – my late uncle [who was also a cancer victim] showed this trait in his last few weeks, so did my late grandfather.

Initially, I was ok, I stood by her bed and stroke her legs. I could feel how scrawny she had become unlike her old self. Later emak went for Asar prayer leaving me, cik nen recited the yassin and Nash fed his mother her medication. Seeing her strunggling try to consume the medicine using a straw crushed my heart. I could not imagine how was Nash feeling that time. If I am in his shoes.. I don’t know. I really don’t know. Sungguh aku tak sampai hati kalau tengok emak aku jadi macam tu!

I guess he’s a strong guy, while I was in the toilet wiping off the smudge of my mascara from my face when he came in. He pretended like nothing happen and washed his mother’s straw and cups. It takes a strong person to hide his emotion, unlike me. Somehow I always fail to confine my feeling and emotionlah. It’s like they have broken sensor or something. Or overly sensitive sensor.

The doctor already advised us, perhaps it will be better to bring her home. I sort of understood what he meant but I choose not to think too much. My hope is, just end her pain. If The Almighty think it’s the best for her to go, then just let her go without prolonging her pain.

I am not ready to embrace that fact but death, is something inevitable.