I was having a bad day last Tuesday, Nov 22. I cried the whole day.
I cry when I bake, I cry when I watch the tv and the rest of the day I spend crying on the bed. If I could I would smoke as well but since I was fasting and was on smoke-break [due to my asthma]I had to do without it [I was fasting anyway].
I was feeling tired, helpless, confused and fucked up.
The feeling got worst during that night.
I got angry because people doesn’t understand how I was feeling and I was also angry with myself for not being able to control my emotions.
On top of that I screwed almost everything that I was trying to fix.
So the night before I go to sleep, I decided to take more sleeping pills than I should. My intention was not to sleep eternally but it was just because I was feeling so tired fighting my own feeling the whole day and I wanted the night to be a peaceful one.
I was supposed to take half a pill but instead I took two [after that I called my mum, just in case I don't wake up. Just in case] because after so many weeks half a pill wouldn’t be able to put me through an interrupted lullaby – I want to sleep like a log.
Muted my phone and half and hour later I dozed off.
When I woke up, it was already 10 anddddddd sudah ada conversation yang panjang dekat whatsapp sebab nik lofa [boleh?] dengan tina risau aku tak angkat phone.
I had an interrupted and peaceful sleep, yes. And I stayed on bed for about an hour before showering and went to my parents house to see my parents and Adra.
And I still forgot to unmute my phone. Not only that, aku tak cek pon phone aku yang lagi satu, sebab aku terlupa. Terlampau stone. Tu la kau, doktor suruh ambik setengah kau ambik dua, kan dah mengong satu hari.
On the way balik rumah aku, I still feel taik.
Anyway, bila balik I noticed two missed calls from an unfimilar no dekat my other phone tapi aku tak call balik sebab aku tak rasa aku nak bercakap dengan sesiapa yang tidak dikenali.
Few hours after that the same number called again asking me whether I am at home or not.
It was from blooming.
You see, yesterday was 23 November.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary.
We were four.
My fav - white lilies
The lilies have not bloom yet but my heart did.
No, I did not forget. I remembered the moment I woke up in the morning.
I was just waiting for my bitchy mood, my confusion, my anxiety to stop raging so I don’t ruin the moment when I wish my husband. I was waiting for the right time.
The right time never came because he wished me the first thing in the morning [I forgot to check my phone] and my perfect timing was totally ruined and distracted by these beautiful flowers.
But my day was beyond better.
I shall place the lilies on my sidetable.
Tomorrow morning, the lilies will bloom and I will inhale deeply as the scent dance together inside my room.
And no. I don’t need any sleeping pill that night.
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I know sayang, that it is not easy to love me especially when I had to go through some depression and constantly in foul mood.
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