mellow


Who’s on your mind.

by chics on Thursday, 26 January 2012 - 12 pm · 2 comments

in family,mellow,Pets,sadness

Who do you think of before you doze off to sleep at night?

For me, I will think of Ah Beng.

 

Every night while cuddling the pillow I will feel how empty the bed is, the room seems so quiet too.

I really miss his hind legs pushing me to give him more space, I miss him snuggling up to me.

How can I not miss someone who is so loyal to me? He also returned my love the way I loved him, without judging, without scrutinising my weaknesses. He made me feel loved, worthy and needed. Sometimes I think he loves me more than I love myself.

It’s true that I have two adorable kittens now but they are not the same, maybe because they are still too small to share the bond that I have with Ah Beng.

You know, I miss him so much that every night without fail, I will call out his name. I do not know where do animals go after they die but if they linger around and visit their old friend once in a while, I want him to know I really miss him and he is always on my mind.

It has been months since he was gone but it still hurts so much. There are times when I can’t still accept the fact that he is no longer with me. When I smoke at my favourite spot, I sometimes expect him to jump over and accompany me with his beautiful eyes looking at me.

When he died, I keep saying to Swirly

” I want him back”

 

But then I realised, he was never really ours. We were given the opportunity to be with him only for a while and when it’s time, he has to be returned back to his owner, the Almighty.

It is shameful to beg for something which is not yours – that’s what I keep telling myself every time I break into tears and wishing he’s with me.

He’s gone, I know but it will take me sometimes to get over this.

 

Even after that, he will always be on my mind wherever I go.

1 Star (1 vote[s])
Loading ... Loading ...


2 comments



6 missed calls

by chics on Tuesday, 10 August 2010 - 11 am · 12 comments

in family,mellow

I left my phone at home yesterday. When I got back, there was 9 missed calls – 1 was office related[bagus jugak tertinggal phone ni kan haha], 2 from tak tahu siapa and 6 from emak. Enamm, komfem matiiii.

You see, emak; my brother and his fiancee, Lynn; my uncles ; unties and cousins went to PD for 3 nights. Yang tak pergi aku sorang je, sebab tak boleh cuti :(. Memang PD adalah kurang best but bersama-sama dengan orang yang kita sayang adalah best ok, tak kirala pergi chow kit sekali pon. Plus, the place that they stay at adalah best. With pool, jacuzzi, karaoke bla..bla. Boleh nak balik hari but emak wouldn’t allow me. Emak ni kalau dengan anak-anak dia adalah sangat protective [which is weird sebab masa aku skolah dulu dia takdelah kesah sangat pasal aku hehe]

So I called her.

Me: Hello mak.
Emak: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUUUU? 1

Me: I left my phone dekat rumah
Emak: Mak dah agak dah! TAHU TAK MAK RISAUU?

Me: Err.. Apasal pulak
Emak: Awak ni berani-beranilah, zaman sekarang ni orang mark..bla..blaa..blaaa

And then she told how how everybody was having fun there. Pasal pergi karaoke, suara Lynn macam Sheila Majid [nasib baik jugak aku tak datang kalau tak dia mesti wtf suara kak nina macam kambing ni?], and then main banana boatla, naikla boatla pergi sana sinilah. Wahhhhhhh time aku tak pegila nak main banana boat bagaiiiii masa aku ada turun ke laut pun tak nak. Tu tak campur dengan barbeque lagi tu. Cissssssssssss.

Me: Besok sampai pukul berapa?
Emak: Bertolak dalam 12 to 1 Macam tu. Kenapaa? Ada apa-apa cerita ke?* suara kak nam

Sempat gak nak bergossip tu. Bolehhhh?

Anyway, sepanjang ketiadaan dia, I had to feed the cats, sidai and angkat her baju and siram her bunga. Yang aku paling malasss sekali adalah siram bunga. Sebab dahla certian tu ada duri, menjalarlah, tergantunglah. Lama-lama mesti aku tersiran diri aku akhirnya, which is aku benci nak kene tukar baju.

But yesterday, after siram rasa sebak pulak tiba-tiba, maybe juga sebab tengah maghrib. Rasa sebaklah sebab teringat selalunya aku online akan nampak emak siram bunga sambil bercakap apa tak tahu [mostly marah kucing atau marah adik aku haha] tapi hari ni takde, bunga dia je yang ada :(.

Dulu aku selalu sakit otak bila mak selalu call-call tanya bila nak balik masa tengah dating and tak faham kenapala mak akuu nii, aku bukannya budak skolah lagi. And kenapa nak tahu nama each guy yang keluar dengan aku and boleh tak accept diorang tu kawan aje? Honestly, sampai sekarang pon aku still tak faham banyak benda tapi I know one thing for sure.

Walau macamana screw up, gagal, depress, saiko, heartbroken, devastatednya aku, I can always count on her. There are times dalam hidup yang aku rasa dunia macam nak berakhir tapi bila aku balik rumah and cerita dengan dia, all my troubles rasa macam tak ada apa.

Dan bila aku duduk dalam gelap ketika azan maghrib berkumandang adalah terasa sangat rindunya.

Tapi takpe.. besok nak sahur dengan emak :)
.
.
.
.
Itu pon kalau aku bangunlah hehe.

Oh ya, terlupa. Selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa!

  1. Yes, she was screaming. Emak aku memang suka jerit bila cakap dekat telefon which aku tak paham kenapa ↩
1 Star (Click to vote)
Loading ... Loading ...


12 comments



I am just writing everything that I feel

by chics on Wednesday, 17 March 2010 - 7 pm · 6 comments

in mellow

I don’t know how I feel now.

It just quite difficult to describe but the feeling is more or less towards hollow + exhausted + hopeful and maybe a little bit of lonely.

I crave for attention but sometimes when I tend to shut them of when it was given to me. Right now, I wish I could talk to someone. No, talking is not the right word because all the words that might come out from my mouth may not seem right.

I wish someone could dive into my heart and feel everything. It’s like my heart is beating but the rhythm is disturbed by some other noises.

No, it’s not love that I am lacking of. At this point the love that was given to me is more than enough.

It is a relief when I came home crying in the middle of the night and to find someone waiting at the door to hug me. It is a relief when there is someone who kiss my forehead as I wet my pillow and tell me everything will be alright.

So it’s not love.

It’s something else.

I wish I know what it is.

1 Star (Click to vote)
Loading ... Loading ...


6 comments





Page 1 of 3123