life

Antara perkara yang aku tak paham

by chics on Wednesday, 17 February 2010 - 12 am · 20 comments

in crap,life,personal opinion

I have been living like a vampire for the past few days. Siang memerap dekat rumah, malam baru keluar mencarik makan tu pon dekat-dekat je. Konon-konon nak pergi tengok fireflies dekat Kuala Selangor tapi harammmm, main game je memanjang.

Ok, that’s my intro for today. Hehe

Have you see the new American Idol iklan on Starworld, with Ellen Degeneres on it? Somehow that advert irked me to the max, partly because I don’t like Ellen. I don’t knowlah how come people find she’s funny because to me she’s not. She’s just.. muka mintak penampar.

Dan tak tahu kenapa [mungkin gatal agaknya tapi malas nak ngaku] I googled her and dalam banyak-banyak result tu ada tersentil cerita pasal wedding dia – to Portia De Rossi.

I am sure everybody must have heard kan about her and Portia and honestly masa aku dengar tu I was..ok whatever. That’s it. I am not supporting or opposing gay marriage. It’s like I don’t want to know. Sebab kang aku poyo mengutuk kang tah tetibe anak aku macam tu ke, plus I don’t know what’s going on in their life but I am not supporting either because.. I guess It’s weird. And awkward [besides the main reasonlah kan]

But I didn’t really think about the weirdness and awkwardness until I saw their wedding photos.

You know, usually I will have some similar reactions when I see wedding photos. Most of the time, I will fell warm and terasa macam sweetnya diorang or I will..cringe because some of them macam trying too hard[ye keji aku tau but I cannot help it]

But when I saw Ellen and Portia’s photo, I felt..awkward [despite baju Portia yang sangat chantek]

I don’t know man, it’s hard to explain. I don’t consider myself as someone yang terlalu judgmental [although I do judge hehe] tapi ini macam..weirdlah. I mean, I do like girls especially pretty girls a lot but I just like to look at them.

I mean tak frustrate ke malam-malam bila kau horny dan kau terbayangkan kekayu ria [joystick/magic mushroom] dan meraba-raba tetapi yang ada hanyalahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okla fine, some people said being in love is not all about sex but let’s face itlah, you got to have sex once in a while and for some people not once in a while tapi selalu. So how?

Ok, maybe I don’t understand and I don’t know because I haven’t got the slightest idea tapi bila aku membayangkan aku di keadaan itu, mungkin aku akan berasa tertekan.

But then again they look so happykan? I guess I don’t understand and don’t have to understand.

Itu satu, kedua, I noticed the tomboy waitress dekat tempat aku biasa makan dah ada misai jarang-jarang. How did she do it and how could she?

Which reminded me of the vet yang juga dah ada misai sekarang.

Although it’s not my problem tapi aku macam bingung and sad at the same time. Bingung sebab waduh waduhhhhh.. wah tetibe nak speaking indo. ok, main-mainla chics ni betul-betullaaa..ok..ok sorry

Bingung sebab sampai macam tu sekali you hate yourself? I also hate some part of me especially peha aku yang macam kentaki fried chicken ni. Although aku kadang-kadang depress dan berazam akan berbuat sesuatu tapi most of the time I succumbed to the fact that it’s my body, it is a part of me yang aku have to live and deal with.

Ibarat peha chicsinred

But I guess not for some people, they hate until the decided to change, completely.

I told that to bedmate but he had a different view.

He said, maybe they did not hate themselves but it’s just that they feel more comfortable, confident and happy being the person that they want to be. Lagi gembira macam tu.

Kadang-kadang ada satu part dalam diri aku yang nak kata kenapa macam tu, kenapa nak lawan apa yang Tuhan bagi, berdosa bla..bla tapi aku tak tercakap sebab hehe aku pon suka jugakla kan melawan Dia dan tahaper-hape jugak. Lagi satu, it’s easy for me to say sebab aku tak paham what are they going through but the most important thing is, who am I to judge/to question?

I mean they are adults, I am sure they are responsible for every decision that they made, the consequences and everything.

So again, I will not try to understand although this kind of stuff will never fail to intrigue me and membuat aku tertanya-tanya.

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20 comments

The camp

by chics on Tuesday, 9 February 2010 - 12 am · 8 comments

in emo,feminism,life

I am back!

Tapi masih penat sebab tu baru hari ni nak update.

Actually the camp was meant for girls from homes. Meaning girls from orphanages dan bukannya untuk aku but I was therelah.

Anyway it was all fun. I slept in a sleeping bag for two days with no bantal [tapi second night a friend of mine bawakkan bantal] and mandi dengan air yang bapak sejuk.

The most important past was, the girls – who came from not so fortunate backgrounds managed to have fun and learn lots of things.

Adalah menitik air mata when I talked to one of them and the told me

“Saya tingkatan 2 tapi saya sekolah OKU kakak, emak ada, tak kerja. Ayah tak tahu mana. Saya selalu rindu emak “

Imaginelah, you are disabled and your mum cannot afford to jaga you so she had to send you somewhere. You understand but at the same time you just miss her so much.

Aku ni ha, barulah beberapa hari tak dapat cakap and jumpa dengan emak dah rasa rindu, inikan pulak diorang. Lagi sedih they knew that their parent send them sebab sayang. Tapi soalannya, kalau sayang kenapa we cannot be together?

That girl asked me to write my name in a piece of paper along with my phone number. She promised to call me form the home. Sebak ok masa tu especially when she hugged me and asked me whether or not I will come to visit her in the future.

Another girl wrote me a poem

Some love lone

Some love two

But I love you

And that is you, akak Sharina.

Don’t forget me ok!

She told me she created that especially for me. I don’t knowlah but I feel flattered even it was so simple.

At the beginning, the girls were quite degil tak nak dengar cakap but after sometimes when you show them that you care for them, eat with them and luagh with them, they opened up dan then is when they show how loving, caring and smart they are.

Ok, aku pon tak tahu apasal aku tulis entry emo macam ni but I cannot help wondering kenapalah ada orang yang hanya reti produce kids but never want to think about what will happen to the kids sedangkan dia awal-awal dah tahu they cannot afford to give their kids even the basic things? Especially love.

I think that’s cruel.

Anyway, I hope they will benefit from the camp and despite being in their condition, they will not lose hope and believe, they too deserve to be happy and have fine things in life like everyone else.

P/S. Sorry, no pictures. I don’t feel comfortable to display them here.

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8 comments

I have to clarify something

by chics on Saturday, 16 January 2010 - 10 am · 4 comments

in life

I wanted to laze around in bed a little longer but somehow I have to write this.

Bedmate told me that someone read one of my entries and was wondering whether I was writing about her. Usually I won’t bother explaining but because I  like this person a lot, I will.

In the entry, I was actually talking about me. There was a man who err  offered himself and even macam poyo nak tunjuk simpati sebab aku selalu lonely. So that person was saying maybe we could sleep together, you know konon-konon nak jadi penemanlah.

Now, why didn’t I state that it was me? Because it felt awkward, as if macam aku nak cakap “Eventhough I am married, I am still hot” macam tu. I don’t feel comfortable writing it down like that. I did try to but I felt my cheek burning.

If [touch wood] I am on the verge of seperating or memang dah tinggal asing dengan bedmate [touch wood again], aku dengan tak malunya akan cakap probably takdela rasa keji sangat kot aku nak menggatal or orang nak berkenalan and such, provided I am ok with it. But not when I already told that person I am happy, doing ok and understand apsal semua orang nak jadi setiausaha obama walaupun aku rasa lonely.

Like I said on that entry

I mean dalam konteks ni, happily married or takde masalah kene blasah or kene share kote dengan pelacur lorong atau volunteer whoreslah kan.

Bukanlah tertakluk [wahh] kepada kene blasah or share kote tapi to other things alsolah. Pendek kata not in the context of ‘happily married’. Ala you get what I meanlah.

I even talked about this [the guy and his ajakan] with tetek during our lunch date. They asked me lah apasala aku tulis macam tu, so I told them. Now, with them it’s a different story. I can tell them almost everything because they will never judge and they will always understand.

I love you tetek [wahh tetibe haha].

So there you go, it’s all about me. Although I am not sure what’s going on but I like you, there for, this entry.

Ok dah aku nak mandi,lepas tu nak kene upload gambar untuk kedai emak [hohhhhhhhhhhh last-last aku jugak kene] and then pergi mana ntah lagi.

Have a wonderful weekend and kiss kiss.

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4 comments

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