Fetch joyce. Have something to eat. Take my meds. Keep all sharp things away and go to bed.
Fuck today.
Tomorrow, please be kind.
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Few weeks ago, an old friend told me he will be going down to KL from Singapore for an interview. In the middle of the conversation, aku suddenly teringat pasal Garret. Masa tu Garrett takde dekat sini lagi.
So I asked him whether he could get some for me.
Last weekend, we met, after 4 years not seeing each other [the last time he came back from Bangkok to pass me my wedding gift]
surprise much?
We know each other since we we were 18 years old and since then he never fails to be a good friend to me.
Ini terbukti apabila dia membelikan aku Garrett :D
Thank you!
I asked for Almond CaramelCrisp, popcorn yang bersalut caramel bersama almond.
Mungkin disebabkan aku memang di alam ting tong, aku tidak mencapai orgasma walaupun ianya sangatlah setappppppp. Banyak gila aku makan sampai sekarang dah sakit tekak and batuk-batuk.
Ada lagi suku je tinggal, tu pun I told myself jangan habiskannnn, nanti malam-malam kau craving takde sapa nak layan.
But the thing is lah kan, Iaccording to my tastebud, poppycock almond glazed is better than gerrett. Sebab somehow the caramel from Garrett akan meninggalkan sedikit rasa pahit. But then maybe I need to buy both and eat at the same time to compare.
Ada-ada je kan alasan kau ni chics. Nak mentekedarah cakap jela, nak buat test kununnnnn.
Ok bai nak makan popcorn.
(Click to vote) Loading ...Yesterday I had another appointment with my doctor after delaying it for a week.
To be honest, I cannot wait to see him because I am going crazy on my own.
I knew that he told me there will be ups and down and things will not be easy but I was not prepare for it because I do not know how it will feels like.
Well, it feels like if I have a control button, that bloody button has gone haywire.
One minute I feel I can beat whatever shit coming but the next thing I know I will be lying on my bed crying, thinking whether I’ve made the right decision or the other way around.
And there were days when I cannot do anything at all.
I can’t sleep at night, if I did either I will keep waking up or I will cry in my sleep.
People told me not to think of those negative thoughts, well I tried. Just that, I don’t know how.
Every time I try to swat them away, they will come back in a bigger impact that made me become more depress.
I wish I could explain this but I don’t know how to put it into words. It’s frustrating, I wish people would understand.
It frustrates people who are supporting me as well, because perhaps to them I am not strong enough for letting those thoughts to control me.
In my defense, I think I am trying my best to be strong.
Instead of locking myself in my room, I have started to shower, go out, eat, visits my parents and close friends. I even bake and went shopping.
There was even this time, I went to a wedding. It was too overwhelming for me, to be surrounded by people who are not close to me but I went anyway because I really want to see my friend. Maybe I was pushing myself too much, I cried in the middle of the wedding [sorry if I ruin the ceremony!]
I told all of it to my doctor.
His advice was, whenever I have negative thoughts, challenge them. Meaning, let say I think I am not worth living – I shall write down every evidence why do I think I am not worth living, as well as why do I deserve to live. Read them and compare.
This way, I will force my brain to work harder, it will also train me to face my fears.
When I told him about me crying during the wedding, he told me that’s a brave thing that I did, going to a sheltered place [small scale]with lots of people although I know I was scared to do it. He told me not to stop doing it because of my bad experience but perhaps I should take it easy, not to exceed my limit. Soon the fear, the anxiety will go away.
In a scale from 0 to 10 – 0 feeling cured and 10 being depressed, I told him I am in between 6 and 7.
It will take some time and he said he might prescribe me a higher dosage of drugs during the next visit if there is no improvement.
I was nervous like hell before I met him but he made me feel like a winner the moment walked out from his room.
On my way to the car park, I bumped into one of the nurses who used to take care of me. She was one of the nurses [beside the nurse who wore a pink sweater], who will spend her time to talk to me, coax me to eat and tolerate my unpredictable behaviours.
I asked her whether she is working in the same ward, she told me no, they are always assigned to different wards. The reason why I asked was because I bake brownies for her and the nurses who took care of me when I was admitted.
“You don’t have to do that. It was my pleasure taking care of you”
I said thank you and after a while I was ready leave so I said goodbye , she squeezed my hands and smiled.
“You look happier now”
It was one of the most sincere smile that you can find, it went deep into my heart.
I felt like crying.
Those words were simple but they meant so much to me.
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