Who do you think of before you doze off to sleep at night?
For me, I will think of Ah Beng.
Every night while cuddling the pillow I will feel how empty the bed is, the room seems so quiet too.
I really miss his hind legs pushing me to give him more space, I miss him snuggling up to me.
How can I not miss someone who is so loyal to me? He also returned my love the way I loved him, without judging, without scrutinising my weaknesses. He made me feel loved, worthy and needed. Sometimes I think he loves me more than I love myself.
It’s true that I have two adorable kittens now but they are not the same, maybe because they are still too small to share the bond that I have with Ah Beng.
You know, I miss him so much that every night without fail, I will call out his name. I do not know where do animals go after they die but if they linger around and visit their old friend once in a while, I want him to know I really miss him and he is always on my mind.
It has been months since he was gone but it still hurts so much. There are times when I can’t still accept the fact that he is no longer with me. When I smoke at my favourite spot, I sometimes expect him to jump over and accompany me with his beautiful eyes looking at me.
When he died, I keep saying to Swirly
” I want him back”
But then I realised, he was never really ours. We were given the opportunity to be with him only for a while and when it’s time, he has to be returned back to his owner, the Almighty.
It is shameful to beg for something which is not yours – that’s what I keep telling myself every time I break into tears and wishing he’s with me.
He’s gone, I know but it will take me sometimes to get over this.
Even after that, he will always be on my mind wherever I go.
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