emo

 

The very next day after I was discharged, we [my husband, my mother in law, sister in law and I] went for a grocery shopping. In the middle of the tin food aisle, I cried and couldn’t stop weeping.

 

When my mother in law asked me why, I told her I felt confused, lost and scared. I also feel stupid because I could not understand what is happening.

 

The medication I was on was the one that made me feel stupid. I was unable to focus and will feel nausea in the morning. It also controls my mind not to think too much. As the result I can easily feel mentally drained as if I had been working on some projects of paperworks for days.

I was well informed about the side effects but I was told to start living my life like normal by my doctor.

 

My first attempt to force my brain, I decided to cook lunch for my husband. It was a simple dish – ayam masak merah, a dish that I can complete with one eye close. But I found myself struggling to remember what to do next and how to do it.

 

I managed to complete them but after that I couldn’t do anything else.

 

The other side effect of the medicine is, I notice I can no longer feel, especially sadness.

 

A day before my husband left for Pakistan, I received a call from my mum telling my my auntie was in coma and she had only 12 hours to live. I remember lying down on my bed waiting for sadness to invade me. Instead I feel numb, but I still cry.

I didn’t go to visit her in the hospital because I think I might collapse.

She died the next day.

I cried but the sadness is barely there.

I decided not to attend the funeral, I don’t think I can take it.

 

The same day my husband went back to Pakistan, usually I will cry until I choke but this time, not a single tear was shed. I thought to myself, am I going to permanently  be  emotionally impaired?

 

The days after he left, I just lie down on bed, stare at the the ceiling and smoke. I felt so empty, lonely, lost and sometimes cheated.

I will feel these feelings from time to time. It scares me that one day, when I wake up, all my efforts. the assurance and the comfort that I am getting will just be some big fat lie.

I have tried to avoid taking the relaxant because they can cause addiction but I started taking them regularly, when I don’t take them, I smoke weed.

 

This week is my second week, things are better. I  started to bake and went outside to settle stuff. My brain is still tired, usually it will shut down after 3 pm.

But I will keep on trying to train them but with no rush.

 

Do I still have suicidal thought? Sometimes, but the thoughts were not so intense anymore.

 

I have received so many emails, messages, comments and sms from my readers and friends. Although I did not reply them, but I really really appreciate them. It took me some time to read them because of my inability to focus but I do read all of them.

Thank you, for now I am unable to reply them but somehow I am glad to know I am not alone.

 

The reason why I came out with the entries is not because I want sympathy.

I want to let go.

I also want people to know, it is OK to suffer from depression. You are not crazy or making things up. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

People will always talk, let them go to hell.

 

If I choose to succumb to the societal stigma, I probably would be dead by now.