Seorang teman berkata pada aku hari ini
“I respect you. You don’t sleep around although I know how lonely you could be”
Aku rasa ini bukan soal respect.
Ini soal cinta.
Apalah nafsu dan sex jika dibandingkan dengan sayang dan cinta yang mendalam terhadap seseorang dan engkau tahu perasaan itu berbalas?
Mahukah engkau kehilangan cinta yang oh memang sungguh menghangatkan perasaan hanya kerana nafsu?
Tidak aku.
Dan aku memang tiada ada nafsu untuk yang lain.
I met up with an old friend last week, was glad to see him because I can talk about anything with him. He never judged.
We had dinner and then moved to another place to have something sinful to seal the night.
And then he told me about his last visit to his parents’s house. He said he could not sleep. I asked him why.
Me: That place bring back some memories perhaps? That always happen to me.
He: Yeah.Me: Of your childhood?
He: No, of [ex-girlfriend name]. Everything in the room reminded me of her. The blanket that I was using was also hers.Me: Do you feel sad?
He: *Pause. I don’t know. I felt I should have married her and sometimes I felt, thank God I did not.
I know his story and I know why he became who he is today.
Before he left for Europe, we met and he told me everything about her. I don’t know her, never meet her but I know he loves her then.
After he came back, he still speaks of her but with feeling that I didn”t understand.
“What happened in Europe?” I asked.
She was supposed to come. They were supposed to have a short vacation together. He went to Europe to further his study using his own expenses. Sold his car and worked as whetever he could there to support himself.
He said, kau tau tak, aku sanggup berlapar, makan leftover apa yang ada dekat tempat aku keje sebab aku nak kumpul duit untuk dia datang? Miserable ok hidup aku dekat sana. Bila winter aku rasa depress gila. I am not rich, have no sponsorship but the thought of her coming to meet me there was the only thing that made me went through everything. Kene basuh taik mat salleh dekat toilet pun aku sanggup, kene maki pun aku sanggup sebab aku fikir, takpelah kumpul duit, nanti [ex-girlfriend] nak datang. Happy. Aku memang look forwardla dia nak datang.
Dia takde duit tak? I said.
That was not the issue, he said. She came from a wealthy family and she only had to pay for the tickets. He will take care of the rest. If she could not come, she should have told him all this while, there was no need to make plans. Instead she cancelled when they day drew near.
It broke his heart.
I am not sure whether there were more to the story but one thing for sure, he changed. He doesn’t believe in love anymore.
They broke off about one or two years after he came back. She was ready to move on to the next level but not him. I never really asked why but he did said this to me once when I seek for his comfort.
“Memang boleh nak patch things up but when someone totally hurt you deep inside, nak buat biasa balik adalah impossible. I fucking know that feeling”
He has a girlfriend now and that night he told me the last time they saw each other was a month ago. I said, apala masalah kau ni, he just shrugged and we went quiet.
I looked at him while he sipped his drink and then I felt something inside me
“She is your turning point,” I said.
He shifted his gaze from his glass and looked at me.
“I think, somehow, almost everyone will meet someone that will change their life and they way the live. Like a turning point. Sometimes, when you sit back and gather your thought , you ask youself how did I end up being this person? Where did the old me go?”
And you wish you could get it back. There were also time when you tried so hard to bring it back, you even find yourself repeating some old routines that used to be your ritual just to get that feeling but at the end, you end up where you started.
He didn’t say anything, just nodded.
He, being one of my oldest friends, knew that I too fucking know that feeling.
“I never knew he was such a flirt!”
Someone told me today in the car.
Well, to me, everyone has the potential to flirt even those who look so naive, so not the flirtatious type. And to me, even the most harmless flirt could be dangerous.
Yes, initially you flirt for fun, harmless you said but then when there are responses you might get ‘inspired’ and might also get carried away.
Flirting could boost your ego and self esteem. It’s like Ohemgee, bestnya ada orang nak mengisi masa sunyi.
Do not tell me I know nothing about flirting or having so-called-harmless crush [that might develop after a series of flirting]. I am an ugly person, I know what are the things that could happen after that.
Some flirts end but some don’t.
When it doesn’t can you pull yourself back?
Are you willing to lose what you have right now for that silly little thing which might have no ending?
And sometimes you think you won’t get caught but yeah, not everyone is as stupid as you.
