deep thinking


You have to choose

by chics on Sunday, 29 January 2012 - 8 pm · 3 comments

in deep thinking

Have you ever been in a situation where you know the person is not right for you but you still stay?

What makes it worst the person tried their best to detach themselves from you but you could just not see it. Maybe you could but your stubborn heart still keep saying you can’t let go because if you do, you wouldn’t know what will happen to you.

If I think about it, it is sad, really.

Sad because you are belittling yourself and you keep lying to yourself that things will get better eventually.

And there will be some moments when things are really magical and you though, it is worth it.

 

It is actually an insult to your dignity, your pride. You try to honour them with all your heart but the favour was never returned. And when there are moment when you actually find out that person is really unsure of his feeling for you until the extent letting other souls know either in a dignified way or by telling monstrous tales about you, you still want to hang on with the smallest hope you have.

 

Darling, if someone does not know how to respect your dignity, you better leave – that’s what I always say.

 

But then, walking away without turning back is one of the hardest thing to do. Walking to an empty space where darkness awaits, where your heart will break into pieces and blown away by the wind.

 

So you have to choose; between your pride and your heart.

 

Perhaps one day, you will find the courage.

 

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Fake and skeptical.

by chics on Friday, 27 January 2012 - 9 pm · 4 comments

in deep thinking

I avoided talking to strangers on IM for as long as I can remember but yesterday I changed it. I talked to someone new. Well not really new, he has been trying to make a conversation with me since tak ingat bila bila I keep ignoring because..well I just don’t feel like talking to strangers.

So we started all over again and we talked.

Halfway I realised I sounded like a fake.

I mean, the facts about me don’t make sense.

Ok, first I only have half of my face on the IM. And then I told him I am self employed, tapi adalah post grad from comms line and masa degree belajar A.I.

My first job was at a recruitment company, and now I am a baker.

Like WTH? Betul ke kau ada semua paper qualification semua tu tapi last-last keje masak kek je dekat rumahhhhhhhhh?

 

I haven’t traveled much –  have not been to UK, Australia, China bla..blaa but went to Sri Lanka and Maldives.

My father worked outside of the country and one of them is Papua New Guinea.

 

Semua macam nak exotic dan tak masuk akal je kan, nampak nau menipuuuu.

 

But the things is, they were not fibs at all.

 

 

You know, the moment when someone reply I see or Ic so many times indicates that either he is bored with you or occupied with something else. I learn to pick this up while talking to my exes online.

 

So when the other person keep replying the same notation, I couldn’t help thinking, am I that boring? Or is it because he think I am a fake?

 

It could be I am boring – especially when I refused to tell him my vital stats [ why would anyone want to know about my vital stat anyway? Ini bukan pertandingan dewi remaja!] But I didn’t think I was a bore during that conversation so perhaps it was because he thought I was a fake.

 

Or maybe dia rasa menyampah dekat aku sebab asal je dia tulis Wow aku akan cakap eh takdela, nothing extraordinary. Nampak macam celaka sebab konon-konon aku nak low profile.

Masalahnya, memangla takde yang extraordinary pun so aku cakapla betul-betul. Lainla kalau aku angkasawan ke apa [ini pun, kalau aku dah jadi angkasawan mesti aku rasa ala takde apa sangat. Ewah cakappp, cuba jadi sikit, satu shah alam kau canang]

 

Anyway, this made me think. Maybe dalam dunia ni banyak sangat orang menipu sampai we cannot differentiate anymore between the truth and deception. We tend to be more skeptical. Sampai kadang-kadang benda yang depan mata pun kita masih nak skeptical.

I know I am one of them.

It is sad if I think about it.

But then again,kalau tak skeptical, hati sendiri yang cedera, bukan begitu?

 

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Mood shift

by chics on Wednesday, 11 January 2012 - 8 am · 3 comments

in angst,deep thinking

Depressing entry. Read at your own risk

Everything was fine for the past few weeks. I hardly cry and feel sad, in fact I was feeling happy.

 

I was sort of convinced things will get better.

But then, two days ago I met a good friend of mine. We went for a dinner and as usual we talked about lots of stuff. He then told me about his karaoke trip with his colleagues which was sponsored.

This is not your typical karaoke place, besides choosing the songs that you like, you can also choose the girl that you like for the night. And you get to do anything with her. Anything.

One of them had sex with the girl and he is married.

WHY?

The moment I heard that story, I feel warm and started to sweat. I feel anxious although I know it had nothing to do with me.

 

But then,  it has something to do with me.

I am traumatised with adultery, lying, pengote, deception, infidelity and betrayal. All the years bracing through the storm had done enough damage on me. Some people told me to snap out of it. I say, can you snap out of something that spread so badly like a cancer on your body?

Yes, you can’t see it but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel it.

 

I remember saying

“I pity the wife”

She didn’t know her asshole husband has been fucking some sluts behind her back. She thought he only wanted her. Least that she know the man that she hugged at night has been hugging other women.

 

Perhaps it’s nothing to some of you, some people can scoffed and said , ala that’s normal.

But on hearing this, my whole mood, my road to recovery, my trust went shattering. I wish I can explain this but the feeling and the logic to it need more than explanation to be understood.

 

I do not understand how can someone who love you, who promise to be with you have the heart to betray you like that. I tried so many time to understand this but I failed.

Why is this world so twisted like this?

 

I spent the next few days staring at the ceiling and crying, sitting down in the bathroom. I had to go to the bathroom so that my cry don’t wake up the kittens. I had to take weed aside from my medication to feel better.

When I drive, I will scream my lungs out, letting go all the bottled up feelings which will never fail to end with tears.

I broke few things and almost cut myself, but I stopped because I do not want to end up in the hospital again.

 

I have tried my best to fight, to feel ok, to believe that everything will be fine but that simple story made me feel it is sort of impossible to live in the world full of lies.

 

I am beginning to doubt a lot of things, it is like going in a circle – I have been in this situation before. I was supposed to know how to deal with this – challenge the thought but to even think about it is enough to make me weep.

 

Getting better is harder than I thought. I have not only hurt myself but I have also caused trouble to a lot of people that I care.

 

Sometimes I wonder, am I worth the trouble?

Because I am very tired.

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