angst

I cried telling him I couldn’t do it. He must not know.

I cannot show to him that I am am not strong.

But the doctor insisted.

After contemplating for about few hours, I decided to call him. I was scared and anxious to tell him the news because I do not know how he will take it.

He flew back the very next day.

That night, the nurse put me on two drips – the first one was water [I think] and the other one was nutrients – my second doctor was worried about my health since I have not been eating proper meals for weeks. I also did not take my meals that they served me in the hospital.

When the nurse poked my hand, she asked me whether it hurt, I told her, I can take any pain, the real pain is not there, it is somewhere else. She just smiled and told me to rest.

I was given 4-5 pills, 3 times a day. Later I learned they were vitamins, anti-depressent  [Lexapro], relaxant [Lorazepam] and a sleeping pill.

Yes, I was a bit relaxed but I was still feeling anxious and depress. I still couldn’t sleep in peace.

One night, I felt so confused. I know I was supposed to relax but why was I still feeling lost and helpless? Why was the pain still there?

Somehow, one of the nurses forgot to pick up the medication case, the one that hold the pills- just like panadol. I picked them up and start to cut my hand with them. Like the knife, it was blunt so I had to try few times until I saw few marks. Not too deep but enough to make me feel satisfied.

Later, when everybody else were sleeping, a nurse in a pink sweater came to my bed. She asked me if I was ok and whether or not I needed anything that can help me to sleep.

I showed her my hand and I told her about what I did. She asked me why did I do that?

“I want to feel other pain, not the one I am feeling now”

She then went through my things to look for any sharp objects. I cannot remember what she found but after that she sat on my bed, hold my hands and told me not to do it anymore. She made me promise not to do it and I can always call her if I want to talk or to share anything.

I asked her the same question I asked my doctor, am I crazy? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

Can’t remember what  her answer was but the next day, she gave me a stronger sleeping pill – diazepam [valium].

My bed was also surrounded by braces both sides so that I won’t fall or do anything. I had to press the button to call the nurse every time I wanted to use the toilet. ¹

Few friends visited me but I only allowed close friends who have seen me in a shitty condition before. Shelly [who was so supportive!], Tina and Nikkit if I am not mistaken. Others than that were my family members – parents, my brother and his wife, sister in law and my mother in law.

My husband would accompany me everyday and when I didn’t feel like eating, he would feed me so I would not starve. We talked a lot.

After almost a week, my doctor think it was safe to let me go home but I had to promise to take my medicines and I had to promise not to hurt myself anymore.

And I had to come for appointments every two weeks as well.

I know few people have been calling and smsing asking which hospital I was admitted to because they wanted to pay me a visit but I was not ready to meet anyone.

In fact, I am still not ready.

At the moment, I am only meeting my close friends and family [because the doctor made me promise this as well]. I am slowly picking up on my baking so please be patient with me if there is a bit delay in replying to emails.

Yes, it’s true that I am out from the hospital but I am still not cured.

I am not sure myself when I will be completely cured.