Everything was fine for the past few weeks. I hardly cry and feel sad, in fact I was feeling happy.
I was sort of convinced things will get better.
But then, two days ago I met a good friend of mine. We went for a dinner and as usual we talked about lots of stuff. He then told me about his karaoke trip with his colleagues which was sponsored.
This is not your typical karaoke place, besides choosing the songs that you like, you can also choose the girl that you like for the night. And you get to do anything with her. Anything.
One of them had sex with the girl and he is married.
The moment I heard that story, I feel warm and started to sweat. I feel anxious although I know it had nothing to do with me.
But then, it has something to do with me.
I am traumatised with adultery, lying, pengote, deception, infidelity and betrayal. All the years bracing through the storm had done enough damage on me. Some people told me to snap out of it. I say, can you snap out of something that spread so badly like a cancer on your body?
Yes, you can’t see it but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel it.
I remember saying
“I pity the wife”
She didn’t know her asshole husband has been fucking some sluts behind her back. She thought he only wanted her. Least that she know the man that she hugged at night has been hugging other women.
Perhaps it’s nothing to some of you, some people can scoffed and said , ala that’s normal.
But on hearing this, my whole mood, my road to recovery, my trust went shattering. I wish I can explain this but the feeling and the logic to it need more than explanation to be understood.
I do not understand how can someone who love you, who promise to be with you have the heart to betray you like that. I tried so many time to understand this but I failed.
Why is this world so twisted like this?
I spent the next few days staring at the ceiling and crying, sitting down in the bathroom. I had to go to the bathroom so that my cry don’t wake up the kittens. I had to take weed aside from my medication to feel better.
When I drive, I will scream my lungs out, letting go all the bottled up feelings which will never fail to end with tears.
I broke few things and almost cut myself, but I stopped because I do not want to end up in the hospital again.
I have tried my best to fight, to feel ok, to believe that everything will be fine but that simple story made me feel it is sort of impossible to live in the world full of lies.
I am beginning to doubt a lot of things, it is like going in a circle – I have been in this situation before. I was supposed to know how to deal with this – challenge the thought but to even think about it is enough to make me weep.
Getting better is harder than I thought. I have not only hurt myself but I have also caused trouble to a lot of people that I care.
Sometimes I wonder, am I worth the trouble?
Because I am very tired.
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