Every time I try to relax the feelings will come.
Come on, can you give me a break? I need to relax sometimes you know. Do you expect me to be on my feet 24-7 just to feel that I am doing ok?
The weird thing is, other things don’t bother me. Like right now my cat, MJ has not come home for the whole day. Instead of feeling worried and panic like I used to, I feel.. nothing.
And asthma that I am having now doesn’t really bother me that much like they use to.
It’s like every other shit is ok except for this one bloody thing.
The feeling that makes me feel so helpless.
Sometimes I feel like slapping myself for being so whiny but you have to understand, I rather let them out in an open space rather than talk to any particular person.
Yes, I do talk to God, every time in my prayers. I do feel His help. The truth is, I am ashamed every time I cry to him. I am ashamed of being helpless and not be strong as He wants me to be. And I am also ashamed for the fact that I always sinned but keep asking for His help and mercy.
Every day I will ask him to help me to be strong, feel ok and please show me the way how to live my life again.
Let me tell you a secret.
When I was on my darkest hour through my illness, I ask him for two things. That time I was about to make one of the biggest decision in my life – which will make my life fall apart [not that it hasn't]
I asked Him to show me the right thing to do, if what I was about to do [I was half way doing it anyway] is the best thing for me, then give me the strength to continue even though that was not what I want. But if He think I deserve what I really want, then show me how it can happen.
And then I pretend He will be by my side[literally] all night long so I don’t feel lonely and unloved.
Which one of my prayers did He answered? That shall remain my secret.
Right now, I don’t know whether things will be ok or not. I don’t even dare to hope.
But that doesn’t mean that I am not trying.
