The delayed

in deep thinking, life, stress

Yesterday I had another appointment with my doctor after delaying it for a week.


To be honest, I cannot wait to see him because I am going crazy on my own.

I knew that he told me there will be ups and down and things will not be easy but I was not prepare for it because I do not know how it will feels like.

Well, it feels like if I have a control button, that bloody button has gone haywire.

One minute I feel I can beat whatever shit coming but the next thing I know I will be lying on my bed crying, thinking whether I’ve made the right decision or the other way around.

And there were days when I cannot do anything at all.

I can’t sleep at night, if I did either I will keep waking up or I will cry in my sleep.


People told me not to think of those negative thoughts, well I tried. Just that, I don’t know how.

Every time I try to swat them away, they will come back in a bigger impact that made me become more depress.

I wish I could explain this but I don’t know how to put it into words. It’s frustrating, I wish people would understand.


It frustrates  people who are supporting me as well, because perhaps to them I am not strong enough for letting those thoughts to control me.

In my defense, I think I am trying my best to be strong.

Instead of locking myself in my room, I have started to shower, go out, eat, visits my parents and close friends. I even bake and went shopping.

There was even this time, I went to a wedding. It was too overwhelming for me, to be surrounded by people who are not close to me but I went anyway because I really want to see my friend. Maybe I was pushing myself too much, I cried in the middle of the wedding [sorry if I ruin the ceremony!]


I told all of it to my doctor.

His advice was, whenever I have negative thoughts, challenge them. Meaning, let say I think I am not worth living – I shall write down every evidence why do I think I am not worth living, as well as why do I deserve to live. Read them and compare.

This way, I will force my brain to work harder, it will also train me to face  my fears.


When I told him about me crying during the wedding, he told me that’s a brave thing that I did, going to a sheltered place [small scale]with lots of people although I know I was scared to do it. He told me not to stop doing it because of my bad experience but perhaps I should take it easy, not to exceed my limit. Soon the fear, the anxiety will go away.


In a scale from 0 to 10 – 0 feeling cured and 10 being depressed, I told him I am in between 6 and 7.

It will take some time and he said he might prescribe me a higher dosage of drugs during the next visit if there is no improvement.


I was nervous like hell before I met him but he made me feel like a winner the moment walked out from his room.

On my way to the car park, I bumped into one of the nurses who used to take care of me. She was one of the nurses [beside the nurse who wore a pink sweater], who will spend her time to talk to me, coax me to eat and tolerate my unpredictable behaviours.

I asked her whether she is working in the same ward, she told me no, they are always assigned to different wards. The reason why I asked was because I bake brownies for her and the nurses who took care of me when I was admitted.

“You don’t have to do that. It was my pleasure taking care of you”


I said thank you and after a while I was ready leave so I said goodbye , she squeezed my hands and smiled.


“You look happier now”


It was one of the most sincere smile that you can find, it went deep into my heart.


I felt like crying.


Those words were simple but they meant so much to me.



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  • Sunday, 18 December 2011 - 4 pm, 4:50 pm dyana

    I cried reading this because I have the same issues too. I feel depressed, I try to fight but I end up crying most of the times. I feel disconnected to the world. I have problems in sleeping too, I woke up in the middle of the night, almost at the same hour every night and sometimes I woke up and found myself cried.

    What I do now is writing letters to my future self. I imagine myself as a happy women and so far, that kinda help. I’d take your doctor’s suggestion into account too. :)

    Oh by the way, I’m your silent reader and has missed reading your entries since months ago. I’m catching things back now.

    Thank you.

  • Wednesday, 16 November 2011 - 3 am, 3:27 am Uda

    u did good…. better days are ahead… u too need to smile ye :-)

    p.s. on a different note, tamtam kencing merata2 dlm rumah. kenapa takder pampers kucing? kan.

  • Tuesday, 15 November 2011 - 9 am, 9:53 am Pinkwatch

    the sentence “I was nervous like hell before I met him but he made me feel like a winner the moment walked out from his room.”, that was the exact thing that I felt every time when I went to see my therapist couple of years ago…. 

    welcome back chic! *hugs*


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