Yesterday I had another appointment with my doctor after delaying it for a week.
To be honest, I cannot wait to see him because I am going crazy on my own.
I knew that he told me there will be ups and down and things will not be easy but I was not prepare for it because I do not know how it will feels like.
Well, it feels like if I have a control button, that bloody button has gone haywire.
One minute I feel I can beat whatever shit coming but the next thing I know I will be lying on my bed crying, thinking whether I’ve made the right decision or the other way around.
And there were days when I cannot do anything at all.
I can’t sleep at night, if I did either I will keep waking up or I will cry in my sleep.
People told me not to think of those negative thoughts, well I tried. Just that, I don’t know how.
Every time I try to swat them away, they will come back in a bigger impact that made me become more depress.
I wish I could explain this but I don’t know how to put it into words. It’s frustrating, I wish people would understand.
It frustrates people who are supporting me as well, because perhaps to them I am not strong enough for letting those thoughts to control me.
In my defense, I think I am trying my best to be strong.
Instead of locking myself in my room, I have started to shower, go out, eat, visits my parents and close friends. I even bake and went shopping.
There was even this time, I went to a wedding. It was too overwhelming for me, to be surrounded by people who are not close to me but I went anyway because I really want to see my friend. Maybe I was pushing myself too much, I cried in the middle of the wedding [sorry if I ruin the ceremony!]
I told all of it to my doctor.
His advice was, whenever I have negative thoughts, challenge them. Meaning, let say I think I am not worth living – I shall write down every evidence why do I think I am not worth living, as well as why do I deserve to live. Read them and compare.
This way, I will force my brain to work harder, it will also train me to face my fears.
When I told him about me crying during the wedding, he told me that’s a brave thing that I did, going to a sheltered place [small scale]with lots of people although I know I was scared to do it. He told me not to stop doing it because of my bad experience but perhaps I should take it easy, not to exceed my limit. Soon the fear, the anxiety will go away.
In a scale from 0 to 10 – 0 feeling cured and 10 being depressed, I told him I am in between 6 and 7.
It will take some time and he said he might prescribe me a higher dosage of drugs during the next visit if there is no improvement.
I was nervous like hell before I met him but he made me feel like a winner the moment walked out from his room.
On my way to the car park, I bumped into one of the nurses who used to take care of me. She was one of the nurses [beside the nurse who wore a pink sweater], who will spend her time to talk to me, coax me to eat and tolerate my unpredictable behaviours.
I asked her whether she is working in the same ward, she told me no, they are always assigned to different wards. The reason why I asked was because I bake brownies for her and the nurses who took care of me when I was admitted.
“You don’t have to do that. It was my pleasure taking care of you”
I said thank you and after a while I was ready leave so I said goodbye , she squeezed my hands and smiled.
“You look happier now”
It was one of the most sincere smile that you can find, it went deep into my heart.
I felt like crying.
Those words were simple but they meant so much to me.