Dulu aku pernah berjanji aku takkan lagi give my whole heart to someone, I will give him some but keep a portion for myself.
Sebab I do not wan’t to be in pain when that heart of mine got broken. I have been through that experience dan demi Tuhan, I do not want it to happen to me again or to any other people.
I thought it was a brilliant idea, I still love but at the same time I would still keep my feet on the ground. Less that I know by doing that I was hurting many people.
Myself and the person that loves me.
And perhaps orang lain yang berkaitan.
Jangan salah sangka, aku cinta, aku sayang. Tidak ada yang lain cuma satu bahagian aku simpan untuk diri aku. Bukan salah orang itu, salahnya pada aku just because I have a fear yang melampau that I will get hurt again.
When you love someone tidak sepenuh hati, you will tend to substitute part yang engkau kosongkan itu dengan benda lain, bukan cinta tapi mungkin kemewahan, rupa, latarbelakang, gaya atau whatever you want.
Those things adalah dangerous because they can deplete without you knowing. Well, same thing with love actually but at least you can get it back, you can work for it to spark again.
Tapi katalah rupa paras yang cantik, apa berlaku kalau rupa itu hilang kemalangan misalnya? Atau kekayaan, what if that person lost his fortune?
Jadi aku silap.
You have to love someone whole heartedly if you want to stay happy together forever with someone. I am not sure about living together but being married, yes, well at least from what I know [I have only been married few years jadi mungkin aku silap].
Plus, how can you not love someone whole heartedly when he would do anything and everything for you to make you happy? Mungkin adakalanya it seemed like he macam tak tahu what he was doing and seemed to do the things yang nampak macam selfish but then I always remember what the air stewardess says on the plane
“Apabila corong sebegini keluar, sila pasangkan ke muka anda. Sekiranya ada mempunyai jagaan di bawah anda, sila pakai corong ini dahulu sebelum memakaikannya kepada jagaan anda”
Something like that. My point, sometimes to please people, they have to be in a good state of mind first walaupun kadangkala nampak selfish.
Jadi aku belajar kembali how to love some one sepenuh hati. It was a difficult task initially because to be honest I forgot how to love someone with your whole heart. To accept, to surrender and to be pasrah that he would not do harm to my heart.
Mula-mula I feel like fighting myself, I keep asking, whyyyyyyyy? Whyy do I have to surrender myself, I am a strong person, I control my own emotion, my own needs.
But when I finally surrender, I realised how happy I became. How easier things turns out to be.
I love him and he loves me. It is just as simple as that no what ifs, not buts.
Tapi bila kau cinta sepenuh hati, bila orang itu tiada di sisi, sakitnya menusuk ke akar hati.
Dan kemudian sambil berbaring di atas katil merenung siling, kau berfikir
Ah, if only I learn my lesson.
Tak, aku tidak menyesal.
