Lately, I don’t have much time to spend for myself, leave alone for my family. So it was expected that emak sort of kecik hati with me because I cannot do stuff for her and spend my time with her. I wanted to but I am just too tired most of the time, really. Too tired to even listen to myself talking.
Few days ago after hati dia dah sejuk, I spent the night with her, despite I have to rush in the morning and settle some stuff before going to bed. When I was at her house I noticed her arm was bersangkut, ala macam kalau tangan patah tu kan kene pakai supportkan.
I asked her why, she said her tangan sakit-sakit. She was not really into talking that time, sisa merajuk was still there I guess.
Yesterday I went again, since I left my house key there and I wanted to borak-borak with her. We borak-borak for a while when she told me, not to go home first, tolong emak sapu ubat, she said.
When it’s time to sapu ubat, she handed me a bowl of her campuran ‘ubat’ and changed into kain batik, so it will be easier for me to sapu her ubat.
That is when I saw the bruises. They seemed so familiar, just like last time.
I asked her, apa tu emak? She said, oh tula tangan mak sakit, tak baik lagi.
And right there, I felt like there’s a lump in my throat. Sebak dan hiba rasanya.
As I sapu the ubat to her body, I can feel how smooth her skin was, just like last time. Just that I forgot one thing, my emak is not getting younger. In fact the uban on her head told otherwise.
I really felt like crying. Where was I all this while? Mesti malam-malam tangan dia bisa sangat, tapi kesian takde sape nak tengok. She must have felt as of nobody cares about her. Macamana kalau aku takde, siapa nak sapukan ubat?
After that she told me that she booked a chalet for all of us to spent the night together, I was excited but my heart fell when I saw the date. I don’t think I could make it, I had to be somewhere else for something else. Yet I did not tell her. I just cannot. Tak sampai hati. How can I lah?
I managed to hold my tears while I was there, I tried so hard that I have to blink more frequent that I used to.
But in the car, I cannot control them anymore.
I don’t know. I feel so..bad..so scared..so helpless.
And cannot help to ask my self, am I a bad daughter?
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