As I watched the latest episode of gol and gincu something came back to me. The feeling of losing someone. The part where the heroine decided to broke off with her boyfriend because she didn’t see any future for them. Despite she loves him so much she had to take the best solution, to leave him. Maybe what hurt the most is when he did not try to pursue her probably because there was no point of doing that.
Few days ago miss pan asian called me.
Me: Haaa, apa crite?
Miss Pan Asian : Hmmm..kau tau kan aku dah takde ayah.
Me: Haa?
Miss Pan Asian: Ayah aku dah meninggal, Isnin minggu lepas.
I remembered her sms last week, inviting me to go for some kenduri. I thought it was another kenduri in conjunction of her wedding so yeah, since I got class I did not attend it. I asked her how is she feeling that time. She said, she was ok and not that sad which puzzled me. Later she enlightened me that maybe things were still blurry. Since it happened to fast and yeah, she still in shock perhaps. Maybe..maybe she is just numb. The feeling that I’m so familiar with.
People say that it’s better to feel love and lost it rather than not to feel love at all. For me, I think it’s the other way around. It’s better not to have anything so you would have no memory at all rather than having something then lost it. Some said that memories could be great, it could create smiles on your face but bad memories, even the tiniest one would simply make your whole day become unendurable.
How would you feel having someone who you admire and trust for the rest of your 26 years and that someone really gives you inspiration but in one night, that someone could be the most depraved betrayer you ever known? You feel you lost that person, the old version of him. Angry you will be but then you will come to a point where you wouldn’t know who to blame.
What about knowing that you will lose someone significant soon. I mean, everybody will die eventually, nothing mortal about living things but you are clear that that person will be leaving soon, you foresee the possibility already. Logically, you will try to do your best to make that person happy but what about yourself. Would you be able to handle it? How do you overcome the memories you had with that person?
I sometimes asked where did my feeling goes and prayed so hard that it would come back one day. There was even one time someone asked me what could he do to make me feel at least the tiniest feeling. I told him I wish I knew, not that I never tried, I did, my hardest but often it will come back to square one.
But when I think again, maybe being numb is not so bad after all. When your heart is numb, losing someone wouldn’t hurt that much.
Even that person is very, very significant..and without her, you might not live until today.
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