Highlights


  • I know that most of my posts were not pleasing these days but I need to write them down. Therefore, if you feel you don't need to read anything negative, pathetic, depressing in this blog, just skip whenever you see "depression" tag at the bottom of my post.

    You can skip that or skip this blog all together :)

     


Fake and skeptical.

by chics on Friday, 27 January 2012 - 9 pm · 4 comments

in deep thinking

I avoided talking to strangers on IM for as long as I can remember but yesterday I changed it. I talked to someone new. Well not really new, he has been trying to make a conversation with me since tak ingat bila bila I keep ignoring because..well I just don’t feel like talking to strangers.

So we started all over again and we talked.

Halfway I realised I sounded like a fake.

I mean, the facts about me don’t make sense.

Ok, first I only have half of my face on the IM. And then I told him I am self employed, tapi adalah post grad from comms line and masa degree belajar A.I.

My first job was at a recruitment company, and now I am a baker.

Like WTH? Betul ke kau ada semua paper qualification semua tu tapi last-last keje masak kek je dekat rumahhhhhhhhh?

 

I haven’t traveled much –  have not been to UK, Australia, China bla..blaa but went to Sri Lanka and Maldives.

My father worked outside of the country and one of them is Papua New Guinea.

 

Semua macam nak exotic dan tak masuk akal je kan, nampak nau menipuuuu.

 

But the things is, they were not fibs at all.

 

 

You know, the moment when someone reply I see or Ic so many times indicates that either he is bored with you or occupied with something else. I learn to pick this up while talking to my exes online.

 

So when the other person keep replying the same notation, I couldn’t help thinking, am I that boring? Or is it because he think I am a fake?

 

It could be I am boring – especially when I refused to tell him my vital stats [ why would anyone want to know about my vital stat anyway? Ini bukan pertandingan dewi remaja!] But I didn’t think I was a bore during that conversation so perhaps it was because he thought I was a fake.

 

Or maybe dia rasa menyampah dekat aku sebab asal je dia tulis Wow aku akan cakap eh takdela, nothing extraordinary. Nampak macam celaka sebab konon-konon aku nak low profile.

Masalahnya, memangla takde yang extraordinary pun so aku cakapla betul-betul. Lainla kalau aku angkasawan ke apa [ini pun, kalau aku dah jadi angkasawan mesti aku rasa ala takde apa sangat. Ewah cakappp, cuba jadi sikit, satu shah alam kau canang]

 

Anyway, this made me think. Maybe dalam dunia ni banyak sangat orang menipu sampai we cannot differentiate anymore between the truth and deception. We tend to be more skeptical. Sampai kadang-kadang benda yang depan mata pun kita masih nak skeptical.

I know I am one of them.

It is sad if I think about it.

But then again,kalau tak skeptical, hati sendiri yang cedera, bukan begitu?

 

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Wiped

by chics on Friday, 27 January 2012 - 9 am · 1 comment

in angst

After waiting for few days, today I received an email from Find My Iphone

 

 

 

 

So finally the person who took my phone connected to the Internet but he/she offed my phone because I still can’t detect its location.

 

Oh well, at least I know some confidential data dah di erase – facebook login, twitter account login dan segala login.

Good thing I didn’t keep any pin no or password in that phone cuma aku tertanya-tanya gambar xxx aku ade ke tak dalam tu? Aku rasa takde, ke adaa?

Fuck.

 

Aku rasa takdela, video and gambar kucing banyakla, lepas tu ada iperiod. Padan muka kau kena baca jadual period aku termasuklah nota-nota saiko dalam app tu.

Lepas tu ada app Al Quran, silalah baca dan hayatinya.

 

Eh tapi mesti dia tak baca sebab aku dah wipe, tapi before dia connect dekat internet maybe dia go through kot.

 

Ok aku tetiba stress

 

Because I fucking miss twitting, instagram, pinterest and my gameeeeeeeeeeeees. Dah tak boleh dah aku nak menggelupur score bejeweled sebab main dekat pc tak feel, tak boleh main sambil berak. Lepas tu game Japan city aku lagi.

 

Sigh.

I do not want to talk baout this anymore.

 

Tata

 

 

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Who’s on your mind.

by chics on Thursday, 26 January 2012 - 12 pm · 2 comments

in family,mellow,Pets,sadness

Who do you think of before you doze off to sleep at night?

For me, I will think of Ah Beng.

 

Every night while cuddling the pillow I will feel how empty the bed is, the room seems so quiet too.

I really miss his hind legs pushing me to give him more space, I miss him snuggling up to me.

How can I not miss someone who is so loyal to me? He also returned my love the way I loved him, without judging, without scrutinising my weaknesses. He made me feel loved, worthy and needed. Sometimes I think he loves me more than I love myself.

It’s true that I have two adorable kittens now but they are not the same, maybe because they are still too small to share the bond that I have with Ah Beng.

You know, I miss him so much that every night without fail, I will call out his name. I do not know where do animals go after they die but if they linger around and visit their old friend once in a while, I want him to know I really miss him and he is always on my mind.

It has been months since he was gone but it still hurts so much. There are times when I can’t still accept the fact that he is no longer with me. When I smoke at my favourite spot, I sometimes expect him to jump over and accompany me with his beautiful eyes looking at me.

When he died, I keep saying to Swirly

” I want him back”

 

But then I realised, he was never really ours. We were given the opportunity to be with him only for a while and when it’s time, he has to be returned back to his owner, the Almighty.

It is shameful to beg for something which is not yours – that’s what I keep telling myself every time I break into tears and wishing he’s with me.

He’s gone, I know but it will take me sometimes to get over this.

 

Even after that, he will always be on my mind wherever I go.

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